Peace.

"When the compulsive striving away from the Now ceases, the joy of Being flows into everything you do. The moment your attention turns to the Now, you feel a presence, a stillness, a peace. You no longer depend on the future for fulfillment and satisfaction - you don't look to it for salvation. Therefore, you are not attached to the results. Neither failure nor success has the power to change your inner state of Being. You have found the life underneath your life situation." - The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

I have been taking small sips of the Power of Now for a few weeks now, and it really has been a blessing. But I didn't always think of it as such. I would go through the chapters, finding inspiration and passages that really spoke to me. But one of the biggest lessons of all from this book - to stop thinking and come into Being - had been extremely intimidating to me. At first it was discouraging. I would try to imagine myself sitting in an open, lush field with a blank mind and a light heart. Animals would frolic around me, the sun would endlessly kiss my cheeks, and the whole Earth would hug me. But somehow this seemed unattainable. It fact, when I realized I was still sitting on my couch, it seemed outright stupid. But I continued to wade through the book. As the teachings went on, and they tend to repeat, the whole concept of "not thinking" became frustrating... and then almost maddening. I wanted that stillness and peace of mind SO badly, but couldn't imagine a time when I would actually be able to stop all of my thinking and just be still (outside of savasana). WHAT would it feel like to have that in everyday life? Would I really be able to achieve that? WHEN? I thought a LOT about not thinking... funny how that works. But I kept on pressing through the book, picking it up whenever I had some quiet time and really trying to go through it slowly to give its teachings a chance. Often, when I would come across 11:11, I would wish for the stillness to wash over me.

Last week, I went through a what would often be described as one of the most saddening, upsetting, heart-wrenching experiences for a young woman - a break-up (#firstworldproblems). I had thought about what it might look like as I lay on the couch. Would I collapse on the floor and feel like my whole chest was ripped open, like last time? Would I cry so hard that I couldn't breathe? Would I need to go out with friends every single night so I wasn't reminded of my aloneness? I imagined myself as a complete and total MESS.

When it was upon me, surprisingly, it looked and felt nothing like this. I was strangely calm as I talked out my experience of the relationship and why things had to end. It felt like someone had hijacked my body to carry out a mission, and I just along for the ride. I didn't hesitate, I didn't feel nauseous, and I didn't fight back tears. It felt like I had just awakened from a day of meditation - so relaxed and collected. Why did I feel so at peace? Why wasn't I a ridiculous blubbering freak at this point? *Cue depression, sad music, anxiety, regret* No? Nothing? 

And then it hit me.

"What are you thinking?" 

I respond, "Nothing." 

Wait, really? Yes, really. I had no thoughts. I had no expectations. I was 100% in the moment, and letting it just be whatever it was. I didn't think about how I would feel the next day or in a week or when X happened. I had surrendered all of that "junk" that usually gets in the way of following my intuition. I even felt happy, knowing that I wasn't being ruled by any of those usual inhibiting fears and whisperings. Everything was unfolding around me and I let it happen, as if I knew it was meant to be just as it was.

THIS is what Tolle was talking about! Even in the most "dire" circumstances, the mind is still. I couldn't even believe it. It felt like a higher power was giving me this strength that I didn't know I had access to. I was a pillar of strength - I could take on anything and offer support too. I wished so badly that everyone could feel this. Nothing could hurt me or scare me at that point. And at that realization, I made a vow to bring that stillness into every day. Would I struggle on some days? Of course. But now that I knew what it felt like, I had something to reflect on to pull me back into a present consciousness. 

I feel so blessed. I want to take the credit for creating that peace of mind and inner strength I experienced. But it almost felt outside of me - like I had been taken over and marionetted down the Path that the Universe intended for me. However, I think what really happened is that I disidentified with my mind. I am so used to letting my mind rule me and BE me, that separation from it didn't feel like the "person" I am used to being. How incredible. Our identity is made up of something very different than all of those erratic thoughts, bouncing around the brain like a million ping-pong balls with no destination. There is more to us than the pain-body that tries to hold us back from pressing through the scary, difficult times. There is an actual inner energy that is PURELY us, and we can only take on that form when we severe the ties from our mind. 

This may all sound crazy to you. It sure did to me when Tolle explained it. But I'm telling you right now, that you TOO can have this if you really want it. You can get to really know your true SELF and experience pure bliss, peace of mind, and blinding happiness. You may not recognize this self (which you have most likely been burying with a pain-body or your mind) at first. But soon enough, it will feel strange to instead be ruled by the mind. You will actually feel more at home in the still mind state instead of in the problem-solving, messy, time-bound state you tried to find comfort and happiness in before. As Tolle says, you can find the life underneath your life situation.

I'd love to hear any of your thoughts, or perhaps about your first experience of the still mind, whenever that time may come. <3

Yuna - Thinkin Bout You (Frank Ocean Cover)