Brand New Me.

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted. But my mind and heart haven't been idle since then. Through EMDR, I've been digging deep into my past to identify road blocks - places where I have made up my mind about something such that I haven't been able to move forward in that area since then. For example, when one of my first boyfriends would obsess over my body and pick on me for eating too much or not going to the gym, I made up my mind that I was only as good as my body looked in the eyes of guys. From that point on, I had huge body esteem issues and never felt good enough. Another example is the fact that my parents make me feel bad when I don't visit them / make plans with them as often as they would like. They lay on the guilt trip and keep a tally of all the times they have initiated plans vs. the times that I have. This cycle has ingrained in my mind that I'm only a good enough daughter when I'm in touch all of the time. 

It's incredible how many times in my life I have built one of these dams. In the moment, I was completely ignorant of the fact that I was enabling a blockage. But months... years later, I am starting to recognize the parts of me that have been stagnant... chambers of my heart that I've closed off. There are certain situations, like new a boyfriend or a new friend that requires a lot of attention, that will trigger that preconditioned response ("I'm not good enough) and it will totally inhibit my ability to be present. I'm not living in the moment when I feel judged by my boyfriend or resent that friend for reaching out all of the time. I'm living in the past and continually experiencing those blockages. All of the present relationships suffer from those dams built in the past. 

Am I good enough? YES. No one gets to tell me that I'm not - not even myself. I know that I have a healthy body. I know that I am a good daughter. I know that I have a voice, an opinion. So why let the past or someone else's experience of me change that?

The good news is that once we see a blockage, we can unclog it and let the love/acceptance/confidence - REALITY - free flow again. 

I've been putting some new perspectives into practices - like setting boundaries with my parents, saying "no" to friends, and catching myself saying mean, negative things to my reflection. It's amazing what this awareness and honesty has done for me. The resentment starts to melt away like magic! If you are honest about how much time you want to spend with someone, what you will/won't accept, how you want to be spoken to -- you don't leave room for people to unknowingly walk all over your boundaries. People aren't mind readers. You can't assume that everyone has the same understanding about what boundaries are between friends, family, coworkers, whoever. You have to lay down the line for yourself, and respect the line that others draw too. Resentment only means that you haven't be honest with what you will and won't accept. Are you always going to agree with friends and family about what the boundaries are? No, of course not. But making each other aware of them is guaranteed to make the relationships healthier and happier for both sides.

When you enlist such a powerful change in your life - like speaking up when you previously would have been passive - there are probably going to be instances of other people not liking those changes, or even judging you and challenging your new perspective. Someone who used to walk all over you might be ticked off that you now say, "I don't like it when  you talk to me that way" or "It makes me not want to be around you when you act like that." They will be taken aback and may even lash out at you. Don't be alarmed or upset by this. Continue to be your authentic self - and always, always be honest. Don't tell a white lie to avoid saying what you really mean. Don't suppress your voice for fear of opposition. At the end of the day, when you're laying in your bed at night, it always feels better to have been an honest, openly communicative person.

As I have started to unclog some of my blockages and learning how it feels to experience life with those new streams, one song has particularly resonated with me: Alicia Key's Brand New Me. I have pasted the lyrics below so that you can read along as you listen, if you'd like. It's a very powerful song that reminds us to always be comfortable in our skin - even if that skin is newly exfoliated! There are people who will judge and be wary of your transformation - but DO NOT give them the power to bring you down. It's a choice, not a reality. You alone have the power - now hold on it and wear it proudly. You don't need anyone else's validation.

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me

It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been on to you too long

If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth a while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your "ok"
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah

Heartbreak.

"...It's in heartbreak, and only in heartbreak, that we discover not just the grace and power of love, but that our own limitless capacity for it finally, suddenly unfurls."

This is one of many quotes I would like to share with you from a blog post by Umair Haque called "How to Let Your Purpose Find You."

How counter-intuitive, to think that we must feel heartbreak and force ourselves into that place, to really feel the power of love. But, it's true. You learn about the amazing, intense, engulfing sensation of love through learning about what it feels like to lose it and to be challenged by it. 

"Most of us don't just hide our heartbreak — worse, we hide from heartbreak. And so we end up something like mute and mapless orphans in the human world; unable to speak the language of mattering; our vocabulary of life itself forever stunted."

Because we often don't instinctively lean into discomfort, and instead hide away from it, we do whatever it takes to avoid feeling heartbreak. We build up walls, we hide away our feelings, and we fight against vulnerability completely. We don't tell that special person we love them, for fear of ever experiencing what it would feel like to fall out of love, or not be loved back. We don't live in love, because we are afraid to live with the feeling of love lost. Our growth and our happiness is stunted when we live like that.

"Love is the process of being transformed by transformation; of a kind of reciprocity in transformation; where the subject makes the object wholer, fuller, truer, and so too, in the discovery of the fuller, truer, wholer self, the object makes the subject. It is for this reason that, when we are electrified by love, the world around us seems bigger, brighter, better — because, in truth, it is."

Love turns our idea of happiness and purpose on its head. Love flips the world upside down and shines a pink hue on everything around us. Things that used to bother us don't seem to matter. Priorities change, and challenges seem easier to push through. Love is power! It lifts us up and inspires us to lift others, too. A world lived in love IS different, because our experience of the world changes. 

People search the Earth high and low for their life's purpose. The scrub every surface and dig into many outlets trying to find that fulfillment, that thing that really speak to them and sets their world on fire. 

"Finding your purpose is not a phase of life — but a way of living."

Falling in love with your purpose is what living is all about. It's not a destination, but a constant journey. I sometimes get stuck on the idea that I'm searching for my purpose, such that I lose sight of what the Universe is offering me and communicating to me RIGHT now. I've come to the conclusion that we ALL have the same purpose. It comes in many shapes in sizes, but it all goes back to one thing: LOVE. Love is purpose. Your purpose may be to start a non-profit that's dedicated to helping impoverished children in Africa get access to clean water. Why? Because you love people and you care about their well-being. This is the same reason someone's purpose may be to become a math teacher. Or a scientist. Or a lawyer. When your purpose is grown from love, and it's root is love for your fellow man and for this planet we live on, that's when true fulfillment is ever-present in our lives.

"But those of us privileged by purpose? We know a secret: that growth sometimes feels like suffering."

Don't misunderstand. Love IS incredible and freeing. But, living a life in love is not free from suffering. In fact, the more you open up your heart to love, the more you are vulnerable to getting hurt too. You may get your heart broken (maybe even by yourself). You may break someone else's heart. But it's okay. It's inevitable that when a bunch of loving, vulnerable people come together, someone will get hurt. But do you wait in the shadows with your anti-love armor, anticipating a war of heartbreak? No! What a dark, miserable place. Let's not live that way. Let's dive into the pool of fireworks that love creates and enjoy every bright, glittering moment, even if we know that we could get burned and that the lights could eventually die out.  


I know what true love feels like. I also know what real, raw heartbreak feels like. And as terrible as it feels to drag through the days, weeks, months, with a broken heart... I would never give up those tough times. Because I know that living without heartbreak would mean that I'd be living without having loved, too.


Check this out: 
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151079446802066

The Neighbourhood, "Sweater Weather"

Reactions.

This quote is so very true. It's not life's difficulties or the misfortunes we encounter that determine our peace and happiness -- it's how we view them and how we respond that truly determines our development. The adverse situation or the difficult person we are dealing with are NOT what need to change -- instead, it's our perspective that WE must change. It's easy to think about all of the things we wish that people didn't do, or fantasize about the way we wish a relationship with someone (coworker, family member, etc.) could be. But people rarely change. And who are YOU that they would change for you? Instead of trying to change people, change your view of them. Look at them through loving, accepting eyes and get rid of that nasty judgement. The same goes for adverse situations that pop up. If you can't change the situation, then learn how to be comfortable in it. Our perspective and our reactions are something that we always have 100% control of. Never forget that! Be accountable.

"Your validation is just not that important to me"

Giving Fearlessly.

I've been slipping back into a bad habit lately, and today I want to draw attention to it, shine a light on it, to weaken that tendency. I think a lot of you can relate, so I want to share it with you.

I have a habit of holding back emotions/thoughts/expressions for fear of how they are received. Oldest fear in the books, right? Well, maybe not exactly. But it's common... too common. What is it that keeps us so pent up with expectations and fear of vulnerability? Why do set ourselves up for disappointment? Why is it SO hard for us to give without focusing on how it will be reciprocated?

Lately I have been stingy with my love. I have been hesitant to give it and to express it fully because my ego whispers little black wisps of "what if" in my ear. "What if he doesn't love you back?" "What if she is still holding a grudge?" "What if he will fall out of love?" "What if she speaks a different love language?" Today, I'd like to tell my ego to STFU! Really! No more defense mechanisms. I would rather love myself dry than be a pent-up expressionless void! Wouldn't you?

Give compliments. Give hugs. Share feelings. Share your heart. Tell people you love them. Do all of it, often, without thinking about how the recipient will respond. Flex those love muscles whenever you can so that the heart can learn what it really means to be open - open to giving and also receiving when those magical moments do happen.

Yes, it's good to avoid thinking about what you will be receiving and really just giving altruistically... but just consider the Law of Attraction as a bit of motivation. Do you want your life to be full of love? The more love you exude and the more you set your sights on giving love, the greater chance you have of also being showered in love. 

Limitless undying love, 

which shines around me like a million suns,

It calls me on and on across the universe

Focus on You.

Any time we criticize someone else, we aren't thinking about how we can be OUR best selves. This is very powerful. If every time we opened our mouths (or busied our minds) to say something negative to or about someone else, we instead considered how we could refine ourselves, we would all be much more loving, evolved individuals. 

It's important to remember that your experience of someone is NOT who they are, but who you are making them out to be. We can all make the decision to view everyone through eyes of love and compassion, rather than through a lens of skepticism and hate. ("Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.") Experience everyone around you as love - see the innate light in everyone. Often times we micromanage and pick apart other people to avoid improving ourselves and finding our own light. Of course it seems easier to put the attention on someone else's "shortcomings" or whatever else you assign to them. But, ultimately, the other person feels unloved and unaccepted, and we remain stuck and not personally attended to. It's a lose-lose situation.

I learned this lesson in a big way recently. And I want to remind myself, and all of you, to turn the focus from others to within your own self. Don't beat yourself up by any means; be kind to your heart. But be aware of how you are or aren't being your absolute best version of yourself. Ask yourself if you are living a life as love. Or if you are leaching happiness and love from your life with your criticism and avoidance tactics. Try your absolute hardest to see the light in everything and to have real compassion for the experiences of others. They don't need our negativity or our judgement. They are probably getting a hefty dose of that from their own ego and insecurities. Why layer more onto their plate? So that they are wrong and you are right? So that your self-righteous self doesn't have to think about how YOU could do better? BE LOVE. Embody it. Ooze it from every pore. Look like it, talk like it, walk like it. That's always a good look. And others will surely follow.

Faith.

Easier said than done, my friends. I know. But consider this: every moment that we don't have faith in the Universe and we are questioning the order of events, our mind is not in the present. And every moment you aren't in the "now," you are missing precious opportunities. Give up the "what if's?" and "should I's?" and take action now. If you feel like the time to act is not now, then release the thought from your mind and trust that the Universe has the perfect plan for you. 

None of this:

• "What if I don't get the job?! When will the employer call me back?!" Will thoughts like that change anything? No. Actions might - like following up or casting a wide net in the job pool. And a still mind in the mean time wouldn't hurt!
• "What if I made a mistake walking away from the relationship? What does the future hold for us?!" No Taylor Swift song is going to give you the answer. As much as we'd (sorry male readers...) like to think songs (or general moping) like that give us clarity, they usually just keep us trapped in our emotion-filled minds. Be kind to your heart and to his/hers. Give respect.
• "How will I ever make the deadline (to travel, to submit an application, to finish a project, to get married, to have kids, to buy a house...)?!" Think about what you can accomplish right now to progress towards what you want to achieve. And really, really enjoy each step. Don't see the steps as a means to an end, or you may exhaust yourself to the point of feeling zero real accomplishment when you fulfill that goal. The steps are whole and complete in themselves if you can let them be.

I'm so guilty of thoughts like the ones above. But I really want to move out of that mindset and into a more peaceful, trusting one. It's always the times when we are sitting in the waiting room of our lives that we forego all of the wonderful things that are going on outside. Still the mind and trust that everything is happening just as it should. Every break-up, every argument, every failed attempt, every loss... it's all part of the plan. It's all been predestined, and thinking about it incessantly won't change it. Breathe into the discomfort and just have faith. Something beautiful is waiting to reveal itself. Don't squash the beauty that awaits with your obsessive expectations and worry. I know that it's hard, but have patience. An unexpected surprise is better than a self-induced letdown.

Worthiness.

"There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it... and that was the people who have a strong sense of love and belong believe they are worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they are worthy. And...the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we are not worthy of connection." - Brené Brown

This is a quote from a writer, researcher, and "story teller" that I really relate to, respect, and look up to. This excerpt is from Brené's TED Talk on The Power of Vulnerability, which I have blogged about before. But it had been a while since I had revisited it and listened to the message fresh. So tonight, after an emotionally draining couple of days, I sat down to watch it again.

The excerpt above is what resonates with me most tonight. The only thing holding us back from love and belonging is worthiness - feeling like we are good enough and deserving of those things. SELF-WORTH. Why is it so frequently absent? How do we get past the stories we have told ourselves about not being good enough? How do we let go of the things in our past that have somehow led us to believe that we aren't worthy of love, or that we are only good for X?

I think it's all about fully embracing vulnerability and asking for help. We aren't broken - we don't need to be fixed. But we can evolve. And we can be enlightened and empowered by seeking out answers in ourselves, even if we need that self-understanding to be facilitated by a therapist, a friend, a mentor, etc. 

We must have the courage to be imperfect. As Brené says, that means letting go of who we think we should be and loving who we are. That is what fully embracing vulnerability is all about. Sounds easy. It's not. Accepting every inch of our being is difficult! There are a million messages swirling around in our head that threaten to douse our self acceptance and therefore prevent us from getting in touch with our vulnerable side. 

In actuality, often times we numb vulnerability completely. We sink into a place where we would rather feel nothing than feel all of the pain and confusion. Some people turn to drugs, sex, alcohol, overtime, dieting, exercise to numb themselves and take the focus off what they really need to confront. I find that I run away from confronting my emotions by focusing on other people. "How can I help this friend evolve?" Deflect. "How can I be of service to my coworker?" Deflect. These seem like pretty productive numbing mechanisms (especially when you add working ridiculously hard and cleaning to my list of deflectors). But the biggest learning for me is that you can't selectively numb. When you numb the bad, the difficult, the scary, the painful... you also numb the good. You numb the ability to love and be loved. You numb the ability to feel grateful, to feel inspired, to feel worthy. So my apartment is clean, that project made my boss look good, and my friend feels really supported. But what about me? I leave myself feeling worthless and not cared for. All because I wasn't willing to be vulnerable. What a terrible price it is to pay feeling the way I do and filling my brain with negative self talk because I'm too scared to admit I need support. 

Choosing to close off from vulnerability is sure to break your heart. If I haven't reached you yet... here's a story. After a year of struggling to form a pure connection with a boyfriend, he finally caved and was willing to be vulnerable. He realized what he was giving up and decided that none of the sadness or closed-heartenedness he was wearing was worth not having an intimate connection with me. His eyes were opened to what it meant to share openly and love with a heart burst wide open. He would ask for advice, ask for help. He was okay with not having all of the answers and just riding along with what the Universe gave him. He was vulnerable. "Now things will fall into place," I thought. We would be able to connect on a whole new level now. But just the opposite happened. I began to break down. I started to check out, mentally and physically. How could this be possible? Well, as soon as I wasn't able to put all of the attention on my boyfriend and his journey, as soon as he was no longer the barrier to our connection (since I was clearly so ready), a wall jutted up within me. I was called to look within myself. I was asked how I could be more vulnerable and emotionally available to connect with him. So I shrunk away. I was too scared to deal with my own numbing problems and "catastrophized" what might happen if I allowed myself to be vulnerable and asked for help. I didn't feel worthy of his love or attention now. Suddenly all of the past hurt that I had been numbing was revealed to me, and I was suddenly no longer available to connect. Or maybe I never was all along, unaware of my numbed parts that were perpetually dragging me down. Denying yourself of vulnerability is sure to break your heart. Case in point.

What a sad story. It is all part of my life path and it is definitely a good learning experience. But it's just another reminder of how imperative it is to be vulnerable. I wish it wasn't a choice! The world would be so different if we all felt worthy of love and belonging. But, alas, we can choose to not feel those things, and we can tell ourselves that we aren't ready/aren't enough/ aren't worthy/aren't capable of love/loving/being loved. Knowing this, we must be particularly aware of when that pain-body flares up, and we must learn what mechanisms help us as individuals to tap back into that inherent worthiness. For a life without love, is no life at all.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong.

Scars.

Love yourself, and everything else falls into line. You can only loves others as much as you love yourself. Love yourself first. If you don't love yourself, no one else is going to love you...

I've heard all of these quotes about self love and how it's an enabler for loving other people and for receiving love from others. But over the last week, this message has really resonated with me. I'm feeling it's reality and learning about the truth it holds.

No matter how many things I buy or nights I go out, if I don't prioritize taking care of my heart and my mind, I suffer. And so does my ability to love myself... and therefore, love others. Of course, going out with friends and treating myself to things is nice and comforting. But it's easy to use such things to avoid confronting the silence and tapping into my intuition. Sometimes it's scary to sit in a grassy field alone and check in with yourself. Just sit with the sun on your skin and ask what you're feeling. Quiet all of the to-do lists and the expectations you have. And just be. I did this on Sunday, and a lot came up.

I've been largely unaware of a scar that I've worn for years. I've brought it into relationships unknowingly. And only within the last couple days have I noticed this scar and realized the impact it has had... and still has. Part of loving myself is going to be learning how to heal my scar through a new perspective. I must get help and learn how to let go of the meanings I attached to it. I didn't even realize how many stories about myself and my worthiness live in that scar...

I'm looking forward to digging into the past and healing the resentment and pain I've been holding onto. I know it will be a beautiful release. I also know that this will be emotionally trying and that the process may bring up other issues I wasn't aware of. But I want to get "better" and I want to be able to love myself fully so that I can truly wear an open heart free of any past hurt. I don't want to bring my scar into relationships anymore. It's time to confront it.

Think about what you may be holding onto... suppressing it with distractions and quick-fixes. Confront those emotions, the past. Whatever it takes to be at peace with it. Think about what stories you have created about yourself and your ability to give or receive love. Help is available. But you must ask for it.

Gossip.

This week I want to admit to something that I don't like about myself. I want to shine a light on the issue so that I can really get to the core of what motivates this behavior and so that I can ask all of your help to help keep me accountable in giving up this bad habit.

There are too many times when I catch myself (or worse, someone else catches me) talking negetively about others. It never fails. There is always some gossip to listen to or to spread. Always something I feel like I need to "vent." And such mean, judgemental things come out of my mouth. "She is SO difficult and stubborn!" "He can't take a hint!" "Why does she have to try so hard?" "I wish he would stand up for himself!" Whether these comments are about friends, family, or even strangers, they are loaded with resentment and are completely unconstructive. It does absolutely NO good to verbalize or internalize any of these judgements. It spreads hate and encourages others to chime in with their hurtful opinions too. One "buzz" comment can spread like pollen, until the whole hive is drumming and planning their next sting.

What I've realized is that often times, these kinds of negative comments have nothing to do with what I'm complaning about and are really as a result of something else that I've let go unspoken. There is usually something that I am afraid to confront a person about, and therefore I result to just talking about them instead of with them. All of those examples above are emotion-filled judgments that are born out of something more grounded in reality. For instance... instead of me gossiping that my friend X is so difficult and stubborn, I could tell X that it's hard to offer her advice when she is so closed off to receiving it. Or instead of telling all of my friends that Y is a total messy pig, I could simply ask Y to make an agreement that we will keep things tidy. Tell her that you are unhappy in the relationship. Tell him that you aren't emotionally available. Tell her that you need space. Tell him that it makes you feel bad when he says that. How ELSE are they going to know? Funny how they won't magically "get it" when you talk to everyone else BUT them about it. Sometimes a complaint feels so REAL and alive (like the person you are whinning about should just KNOW) because of how much you talk to other people about it. That's never the case. Unless one of those people gossips back to the original victim... and that is always an embarrassing and pitiful situation to be in. "Why couldn't you just tell ME?" Who's the bad guy now?

There are other occasions when I talk badly about someone simply because we don't agree on something. Instead of blabbing on about how a person is so (insert mean/nasty/heartless adjective here), I could look within and ask myself why I even let them get to me. Why do I care so much? When we let others bother us, we're often taking something personally. And that is always asking for an upset. Just because HE thinks something different than you doesn't mean that YOUR way of thinking is right/superior and that you need to convert him. Making someone wrong (or making yourself right) isn't going to actually make you feel better. That's a quick fix to avoid accepting and loving people. We are individuals and there is no way that we can all agree on how to conduct ourselves, what morals to uphold, how to live our lives... this life is beautiful and challenging because of those differences. Who are you that you get to call the shots and delineate right and wrong?

I have a note taped to my computer screen, and I feel like it too often goes unnoticed:

"Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate."

If every time I wanted to say something bad about someone, I instead said something positive (even if it's about someone else or something completely unrelated), I would be a much lighter, brighter person. And everyone else around me would benefit too. You can't talk trash to someone who doesn't respond or engage in it with you. I want to be the person that people don't even try to gossip with, because they know I'm not interested in that. I want to be the kind of sweet person that you would feel ashamed to gossip to. I know people like that and they occur to me as much happier, genuine people.

Try to catch yourself being that mean person. Notice how unattractive and heavy it feels to be that way. And decide to be above it! Gossip is a domino effect - be the one that stays standing when everyone else collapses into it.

 Why you gotta be so mean?

Opposites.

So I realize I never posted all of my cautions about the full moon that rose last Saturday night. But I'm glad I didn't. Really glad. Because that would have perpetuated an avalanche of expectations, worry, and anticipation. Those things existed within me as a false security blanket from accepting reality, and the last thing I want to do is to encourage such unconscious behavior in any of you!

After preaching about taking each day for what it is and letting life just unfold, I had amped myself (and others) up about the moon. Astrologers were calling it a Monster Moon and warning their readers to keep their schedules open, their mouths shut, and their travel to a minimum. I did these things and was able to have a very nice, smooth weekend. It actually took me by surprise how wonderful my weekend turned out to be. After imagining big earthquakes, tumultuous communication, and unwelcomed surprises, I was actually dealt a peaceful, reassuring couple of days. It turned out to be the exact opposite of what I thought....

• Instead of earthquakes, I was able to ground myself and reestablish my footing
• Instead of tumultuous communication, I opened myself up and allowed myself to be vulnerable
• Instead of unwelcomed surprises, I was given pleasant surprises

Uranus - the planet of rebellion/change/unexpected occurrences - WAS at work. But it had great things to offer! So much for my alarmist assumptions. :) How was your full moon weekend??

"We could all be happy people, if we stopped feeding our own egos..."

Be Present.

I shared this with my friends, the Bliss Sisters, this week, and I thought it was something special to share with all of you as well.

Release of all your guilt, resentment, and "need" to punish yourself or others (you cannot access the past). Let go of the fear, anxiety, worry, and antipation (you cannot access the future). None of those things serve the present (which is all we truly have!). All of those emotions exist as a result of living in the past or fabricating a future. The pain body wants you to hold onto these feelings for dear life and bear the weight of all those escapist, negative thoughts. But YOU are not the pain body - the pain body is NOT part of your core being, though it would like us to believe that it is.

Just relax, and still the mind. Be kind to your heart, and don't dull its rhythm with thoughts of what was or what might be. Roll with life and accept things as they come. This week leading into the crazy full moon has been such a lesson in stilling the mind, as my ruling planet Uranus (the most erractic and unpredictable of the planets) has been having a hay-day. I am finding that the less plans and commitments (expectations) I have this week, the less I sink into the guilt or worry. More on my thoughts about the full moon soon...

Be Still.

This is a lovely reminder for today and the week ahead. Often times I rely on things outside of myself to bring peace to my heart and mind. It's easy to blame my work load, the weather, how many times I made it to yoga last week, or a tiff with my little sister for the disturbance of that inner calmness. But really, no matter the circumstances around me, I am the only one responsible for that peace. We truly do have complete control over it. It's all about your outlook, and if you practice optimism or pessimism.  

I was reminded of a sweet quote when reading a book a friend lent me...

"We're all in the gutter, only some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde

How true! We are all amidst junk and unpleasantries. But it's our perspective when we are in that place that really dictates our happiness and peace. Have a beautiful week everyone!

"Anything to make you smile..."

Peace of Mind.

Last night I was restless. I woke up at 4 in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep. My heart was racing and I felt like someone was trying to break into my place. I became very alert and sat up for what felt like an hour. I eventually drifted back to sleep, but I awoke to my alarm feeling groggy and exhausted.

I know that feeling. I know it well. I usually get that way when I'm holding onto expectations or when I'm living dishonestly (meaning, not being true to myself). I didn't realize until this evening that I was so far removed from my morals in some of my actions lately. I have been playing by selfish rules and expecting SO much that the Universe keeps slapping me with harsh warnings. 

First a restless night. Then a $63 parking ticket. Then a money-mongering letter from the IRS. Then an unexpected medical bill. Then a rough, distracted yoga class. Oh, and this all happened within <24 hours. 

...oh yeah, and just a couple days ago, the Universe took my phone away from me. That stupid color-coded LED light on my Blackberry did nothing but tempt me with expectations. Pink - email. I hope it's from X. Green - text message. Oh, maybe it's Y. 

I've been focusing on the wrong things this month. My horoscope shouted loud and clear that my attention should be on my career. And there are many signs that show I have lots to be excited about and dialed into at work. Yet I have chosen to invest so much of my time and my emotions into empty possibilities. EXPECTATIONS. They straight up suck the joy right out of life! And the Universe punishes us harshly when we try to override its chosen course for us. Boy, have I been feeling that.

Tonight I am choosing to surrender my expectations and let the Universe guide me. I am going to listen to the planets. Within the next couple days, Uranus is going to be belligerent (especially to Aquarians). And then we have an insane full moon at the end of the month that will challenge us all. The last thing I need is more odds stacked against me. Peace of mind overcomes those who can surrender, and those who "process life as it is, rather than as they think it should be."

The xx - Sunset

Surrender.

I know this has been shared many times before. But I'm finding strength and comfort in this quote today. It's a beautiful reminder that the Universe has a bigger plan for us - a plan that extends far beyond the everyday wins and loses that we sometimes let define our week, our year, or even our life. 

Think about how small we are in comparison to the huge masses that float in space. When you look up at the night sky, don't you feel your size? Let's think about the moon alone, which affects all of us and our earth in immense ways. How? (brief educational tangent) The moon and the earth are attracted to each other, and the moon pulls at everything on the earth's surface. However, the earth can hold its own and keeps everything in... everything except for its water, which is always moving. The moon pulls at the earth's bodies of water, thus causing the water levels to rise and fall (tides, waves, etc.) About 70 percent of the earth’s surface is covered with water, so the moon is pulling at a lot. Guess what is also made up of 70 percent water? YOU. Try to tell me that the moon doesn't affect you. And the moon is BIG: if you could "unwrap" the moon, it wouldn't quite fit inside Asia. YOU ARE AFFECTED. 

Think about how small you are... and then think about how small a "thought" is. You can let it be as "big" as you want. But in the grand scheme of things, there are much greater, more powerful energies guiding us and crafting our experiences. Those magical figures (moons, stars, planets...) know so much more than we ever could, reaching way beyond the petty problems we create for ourselves. And it's best to trust them and accept the obstacles or treasures they plant in our paths. Because they are there for a reason.

This world is so polarized... defined by opposites. You have to fall so that you know what it feels like to stand tall on your own two feet. You have to hurt so that you know what true love really feels like. You have to fail so you know how great accomplishment feels. You have to let go so that new people and experiences have room to come in.

It's a roller coaster. It's all ups and downs, ebbs and flows. Even the heart monitor shows that...peaks and valleys... if that line was flat, you'd be dead! Life is destined to have those highs and lows. And the sooner we accept it, the sooner we will begin to enjoy feeling each and every moment, whether it's an up or a down. You can choose to see the balance and accept the natural push and pull of the Universe, or you can choose to feel flailed around, always waiting for the ride to end. "IT is happening!!!" That's fine, whatever IT is. IT will happen, and IT is happening with purpose, reason, intention - even if measly little you can't fathom why or how. Instead of trying to figure it out, just let IT happen. Surrender.