For the last week, I have been struggling with what it means to stand up for myself vs. being respectful and letting things roll off. What is the difference between the two? A million little phrases have run through my head: "Pick your battles," "It is what it is," "Let it be," "Accept what you can't change." That's all fine... but I'm not sure how to move forward when a request has been made of me that I don't wish to uphold. The obvious response: "DON'T DO IT, DUH!" "This is your life," "You have to do what makes YOU happy." But, imagine that going against the request will be seen as disrespectful to the requester. I can accept that I will disagree with people in my life and that we will have wildly different opinions on things that really matter to each of us. That's all okay and 100% understandable. We are all different, entitled to our own opinions, and deserving of love and acceptance.
However, what do you do when that difference in opinion affects the way you want to live your life? What do you do when a loved one asks you to withhold from doing something that brings you joy? They are choosing to let your joy bring them hurt. They are judging and will not ever accept. What does one do? At this point in my life, when I'm in the practice of love and acceptance, I really dislike negative confrontation. It feels like the exact opposite of being loving and being at peace with others. But, when someone makes a request of you that goes against what the heart wants, what do you do? Do it anyways and know that it will completely upset them and potentially cause a rift? Or "suck it up," obey their request, and sacrifice what you really want?
I welcome your comments and advice. Perhaps you've been in a similar situation and have some thoughts. All of the question marks in this entry clearly show that I'm extremely lost. I know it's okay to not have all the answers immediately... I just hope that I find peace soon. Lots of love to you, readers.
Tiffany,
ReplyDeleteit seems that what you came across is lack of respect toward you in the first place. It is not a request, it is a demand that was forced upon you. Request by definition comes with possibility of refusal. The demand does not accept any reply, just compliance. You have two options then:
a) accept the lack of respect this someone had toward you, not honoring your feelings, and how you feel about it, and do it.
b) do what your gut is telling you(!!!) Saying NO is sometimes the biggest gift of self-respect you can give to yourself, and hence the gift of self-love. And how others feel about it? Well, that's their private struggle, not yours.
Love,
Anna
PS. When it doubt, listen to your gut, girl!!!!!!!! Can't say that enough.
After reading this post, I could help but wonder why you have to worry about disrespecting the persons wishes when they aren't thinking of your own thoughts, love and happiness. I completely understand the turmoil of making a decision when it is someone that is important in your life, I went through a lot of manipulation with my dad and my aunt kept telling me I didnt deserve it and I needed to step outside of the situation. I finally did after way too long and I finally started seeing what others saw. No matter how much you want to respect a person and their wishes, if it doesn't feel right it becomes a sickness. A sickness that stays inside waiting for those weak moments in life to surface and make you sad and guilty. Even though I don't know the situation my advice would be let them know your emotional turmoil. Communicate your feelings because they obviously don't have a hard time of telling you theirs.
ReplyDeleteWOW. Thank you so much ladies. This is incredibly helpful! I can't believe I never even imagined sharing with them how I feel about this all. I guess I was just petrified of standing up for myself. I think that sharing with them how their request affects me (with no expectation about how it will be received) could really be a release for me. It doesn't matter what their reaction is or how it's received, because telling them my feelings will alleviate any surprises when I go through with what it is that makes me happy (even if it upsets them). THANK YOU!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I've struggled with for years and just over the past few months I've learned how to start dealing with it. This is YOUR life to live, and as much as people like us want to, we can never please everybody. You are the person who should matter the most to yourself, because if youre not happy, you'll carry around a negative energy and it will ultimately affect people around you. If you stand up for yourself...who you are, your beliefs, opinions, etc, you'll end up being more respected by the people who care about you the most. And if they don't respect you, then they're probably not worth having in your life.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right Jared. Thank you so much for your encouragement. It really means a lot to me. I feel like I'm so "good" at giving people this same advice, but struggle with taking it myself. But it's so true. When you are 100% yourself - accepting and loving of yourself - you attract people in your life that are just as bright. It's just hard when the people who don't accept/respect you are your family. They aren't as "easy" to ignore or cut out. But I know that I still need to prioritize my own happiness, and not their ideas or expectations of me.
ReplyDeleteFamily can definitely make it complicated. But they will, in time, come to terms with the fact that you're a grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions. I think it's just a part of getting older, both for you and for them. We never stop growing up and learning.
Delete