True Love.

Recently, a soul mate has been brought back into my life by the good graces of the Universe, and I felt inspired to share my thoughts on true love. My boyfriend has taught (and continues to teach) me a lot about love, and the journey that is our relationship unveils something to me every day about what it means to love someone (whether that someone is yourself or another being).

The biggest lesson I have learned thus far in my life (I have shared with you recently):

You can only love others as much as you love yourself.

I can't stress how true this statement is. And it's interconnectedness with our happiness, acceptance, and growth is unreal. I had no idea just how limited I was in my ability to love and accept others in my life until I saw how critical I was of myself. I was never good enough, and no one else in my life was either. The more I criticized my body, my habits, my inhibitions... the more I saw the need to pick others apart. When we feel badly about ourselves, it drastically effects how we treat and respond to others in our life. Pent up self-resentment makes us judge and condemn others. There is a direct correlation between love for self and capacity to have uninhibited, totally vulnerable love for others. As soon as I hit a peak within my own self-acceptance, everyone else in my life immediately became this new kind of beautiful perfection. Why? Because I could accept and EMBRACE them for exactly who and what they are. Who am I to judge what they choose to say, eat, do with their time or who they decide to befriend, marry, work with? Once you can let go of all the things you want to criticize, all of the beauty begins to surface... and things that you were unable to see before (because the wall of judgement was clouding your view) spring to life! Suddenly "that" friend isn't neglectful of me, "that" family member isn't a burden, "that" coworker isn't incompetent, "that" acquaintance isn't annoying. They all emerge as wonderful in their own unique way. Sounds incredible right? It's not an easy perspective to attain, especially for someone like myself who would rather work on "fixing" someone else before I ever consider looking within my own heart and mind instead. The work must start (and continue) within ourselves before this awe-inspiring acceptance of others can really come to fruition.

So, then. What is true love? Think about this in terms of having true love for yourself, as well as the love you feel for others.

• It is acceptance. It does not judge or want to change something for selfish reasons
• Instead of judge, it wants to learn and understand
• It inspires. It teaches to promote growth and new levels of understanding
• It is ever-burning. It never dies, even when stress or challenges threaten to douse it
• It is passionate. It is excited and engrossed
• It is vulnerable. It is open and willing to accept life as it comes
• It is caring. It is having empathy and wanting to get on a mutual level of feeling
• It is balanced. It is magically suspended by the poles that vie for its energy
• It is encouraging. It wants happiness and success for others
• It is giving. It is compassionate and generous with its possessions (time, emotions, understanding, etc.)
• It is patient. It doesn't hasten to figure things out or make rash decisions
• .... I could go on and on.

What is true love to you? How do you define it? What is true love NOT?

I would love to hear your thoughts and any awakenings you have had about love. We can all learn so much from each other through this kind of sharing!

Trust.

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Are you able to trust yourself? Do you trust others easily? Do you trust that everything that happens in this world is already written in the stars? Can you trust that the greater balance of the Universe is more important than the list of reasons we give to not trust in its abilities?


Guess who has it ALL figured out? The Universe. 

Guess who DOESN'T have to even try to figure any of it out: You. 


Trust is huge. It's arguably one of the most vital component in any relationship (with yourself, with others, and with the Universe). I have written a lot about being vulnerable and being accepting... you need to be strong in both of these areas to really be able to trust. To place your confidence in something or someone, you have to fully embrace them and be open to what they have to give you (the "good" and the "bad"). I always feel the need to put those binaries in parentheses. I don't like seeing things as black and white, and I especially don't like to point out occurrences in our lives as "bad" ones - because each and every one serve the beautiful purpose of informing our journey. Even if we get hurt in the process, having trust feels so much nicer than keeping a wall up and being on-guard for an attack that may never come. Trust means taking what comes and surrendering our own ideas of how we thought things might have been.


Trust may actually be synonymous with acceptance, now that I start teasing out the meaning and how to establish it. Also, can you have one without the other? I don't think so. How can you accept someone or something if you can't trust that X, Y, or Z is that way for a reason? For me, it's much easier to think of it at the macro-level of the Universe than on the individual person level. For example, it's easy for me to conjure up an instance where I would accept someone for who they are, but not trust them. However, even that example is a flawed one. The trust-acceptance relationship is actually the same on the macro and micro levels. Acceptance requires letting go of expectations, and withholding trust means that you have some kind of expectation that your trust will be abused (thus my example fails).


I asked a few of my close friends why they thought trust was important. Here are some of the responses I got...

"Without trust, you can't have love. Lack of trust leads to resentment, bitterness, suspicion, jealousy, and all of those negative feelings that no one enjoys. Trust is a foundation of love and relationships. And to me, those relationships are important. Lying used to come easy to me until I realized that none of my friends or family relied on me. Practicing trust leads to purity. The people who are always honest and keep themselves straight are always the happiest and most wholesome, and they attract people because it is so rare. Trust strengthens the bonds of love to a degree that is unbreakable." 

"Trust is important because it allows us the opportunity to release our control. And thus teaches us how strong we really are. It also conserves energy from the amount it takes to try to contain, possess, ultra-examine, protect, disprove, or make up stories about. And is therefore a more fluid and light use of one's energy." 

"Trust even that which is untrustworthy. Love that which is not worth loving. That's what the Universe does."

Each of these responses inspired me in a different way. Trust truly is necessary for wholehearted loving and living. Trust is also vital for us to be 100% vulnerable to what the world has to offer us. The only barrier to trust is our own resistance. 

Patience

Patience is a virtue. It's a phrase I use to encourage my friends when the answers aren't readily presenting themselves. "Just give it time..." "The Universe will send you messages and encourage you towards what is meant to be..." "In retrospect, this will all make perfect sense." How hard it is to take that advice from myself, though. And what does that phrase even mean? Patience is a virtue... A virtue is something morally good - a desirable trait. So I suppose I should want to possess such a trait. And I sure as heck tell my loved ones that they should want it and embrace it too. It's funny how surprised I always am that the phrase does NOT say "Patience is a virtue and a damn easy one to practice." How unfortunate. But then again, it's not so unfortunate, because it's helping me draw awareness to my struggle. 


My meditation phrase for my date of birth is "Getting a fire started is much easier than extinguishing it." If you think about what that really says, you can understand why I struggle so much with patience. I live to light fires. Before a Taurus even finishes painting the idea of a fire, before a Leo can try to tell me how I should start it, before a Gemini can adapt to my actions, before a Capricorn can warn me to slow down, I already have the fire blazing. It's probably a really good fire too - perfect in the arrangement of the firewood and abundant with flames, dancing beautifully for everyone to see and admire. Sometimes that works out great! Something incredible is ignited and won't burn out until I decide to douse it. Other times, that once-admirable fire spreads wildly and takes a course of its own. And I'm left with the flint in my hand, wondering how everything got so out of control. But, I already know the answer to that question. I chose impulsive action over patience. I decided to write my own faith and see what the Universe thought of my idea instead of being open to what it has to offer me. 


Of course, we may all be too quick to jump the gun at times. Caught in the moment, feeling daring, reeling with encouragement, full of desire. And I want to live with no regrets, so I must embrace those kinds of moments when I give in to them. But I haven't always been committed to that kind of acceptance and living in the present. It used to feel better to paint that picture of myself as the ambitious, but impulsive, fire-starter who would feel guilt when camp fires became forest fires. And then the guilt ("I did something bad") would turn into shame ("I am bad"). However, lately, I notice that I have started planting little fire extinguishers in my life without even realizing it in the moment. I have been unconsciously practicing shame resilience - reaching out for support from people who are more calculative and steady, admiring patience in others instead of resenting it, really working on silencing the recordings that my mind sometimes tries to replay. It's as though painting that one-dimentional picture of myself allowed me not only to shatter the (no-room-for-growth) box I worked myself into, but also better equipped me to deal with my thoughts/actions when they do get ahead of themselves.


These fire extinguishers represent self-awareness. They could mean transformation is near! It takes enlightening readings, deep breaths, genuine sharing, and some amazing people for me to continue manufacturing the extinguishers and placing them strategically in the possible lines of fire. But this post tonight is encouragement for me in itself. I sat down to write about feeling like something was missing in my life and to more or less emotionally gush about how difficult it is to surrender my heart-filled desires and accept every moment as it comes. I wanted to write about my terrible relationship with patience and even considered doing/saying/predicting something impatiently. But I stopped myself. I got out of my own head, which has been jumbled with questions all day, and the answers started to come up in the writing. Sharing really is one way to nip shame in the bud (as the book I'm reading explains). I am not "bad" (weak, impatient, needy, underdeveloped, pathetic). I am choosing to accept all of the crazy emotions that I'm experiencing right now, for the sake of loving myself. Because I know I deserve that. We all do. And I can't love all of you if I can't do that for myself! So that's a pretty damn good reason to give it my all.


Make sure you give yourself a big hug today and thank the Universe for the course it is weaving. And quit trying to figure out what that course is. Because it's coming. Don't you even worry. (I've tried worrying and it doesn't work.)


;) xoxo

The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability - capable of being wounded or hurt; susceptible to attack or injury; being exposed; weakness in defenses

After reading those definitions, you may be thinking, "Why on EARTH would I ever would be to vulnerable?!" I'll tell you why. And so will this amazing TED talk below. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means that you are 100% open - to both "good" and "bad." Open to people, open to discoveries, open to growth, open to learning, open to feeling... It means putting yourself out there wholeheartedly and embracing the present as the most wonderful opportunity you'll ever receive. Because it very well could be. 

Something I discovered in watching this video is that there is another layer to being vulnerable. I feel that I am pretty good at giving my best effort to things/people/situations, even if the outcome has the potential to be painful (doesn't it always?). But when you are vulnerable and you have self-acceptance (or feel "worthy"), then you are golden. And by golden, I mean that you are setting yourself up for a life of happiness, peace, and fulfillment. It seems as though accepting oneself and the ability to be vulnerable go hand-in-hand. How can we be completely open to the Universe if we are holding back love from ourselves? Love of our bodies, our needs, our beliefs, our family... Once we can truly love all parts of ourselves, then not only can we see love in everyone else, but we also empower ourselves to be worthy of receiving love from others. What a beautiful cycle. 

Please comment with your thoughts on the video! I particularly love that this comes from an empirical researcher (like myself) who struggles to let go of the "control" and "predict" that are embedded in research. I'm a walking contradiction! And I love it.

TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability