Living Powerfully in 2014

Hey blog world... is anybody out there? Been slacking on the posts, as I'm sure you've all noticed (hello?) ANYWAYS. 

Happy almost 2014! The end of the year always inspires both reflection and intention setting. Instead of mulling over what I've learned, I'm going to start by sharing what I am letting go of, and, then, what I am creating in 2014. 

Putting out into the universe what you intend to create/do/experience is WILDLY powerful. As soon as the commitment leaves your mouth (or keyboard, for this matter), it's one step closer to becoming a reality. At the end of 2012, I said that I wanted to go to Costa Rica in 2013. A few months later, my mom won a free trip. THAT is the magic of living like anything is possible and really believing in the power of positive thought. 

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” 

This little quote from The Alchemist is by far my favorite reminder of what it means to live with intention and follow your dreams. When you have integrity about what you want and listen to your intuition about the things and people you are drawn to (or conversely, repelled from), the universe lends you support. How awesome is that??? Now what IS it that you want? Here are my initial thoughts on what I am committed to:

I'm Letting Go Of....

• The need to control
• Body scrutiny
• Complaining
• Rash, emotional communication
• Resentment
• Trying to do it all, right now
• Pleasing everyone
• The need for acceptance from others
• The need to feel safe

I Am Creating....

• Deep self trust - listening with a sensitive ear to my instincts and developing a higher level of consciousness
• Peace of mind - the ability to "turn it off" (it, usually being the ego)
• Self love
• A job working in empowerment and self esteem
• More balance - between personal/professional, time alone/time with others, health/indulgence, reflection/expression...
• Travel (Thailand, Chicago, Nashville, Europe)
• Intimate, open, honest, enriching relationships
• A powerful, marvelous life

Here's one more Alchemist quote that I relish:

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.” 

What are you going to do with your precious moment?

Mood song:
"Life Round Here" by James Blake

Favorite song of the moment... (or past million moments):
"Black Out Days" by Phantogram

Setting Intention, Taking Risks

Lately, I have noticed myself having such a negative, resistant reaction to the question, "how are you?" How was your week? How have you been? I immediately want to redirect the attention to the other person. Give a short answer, and then lob the question right back. I don't want to rationalize or explain how I have been. I don't want to have to express all of the "ughs" that immediately come to mind. I don't want to vocalize the protesting thoughts I have and risk sounding like a martyr or a downer. Because, I have done that many times over the last couple of months. I go on and on, regurgitating the narrative of unhappiness and dissatisfaction that I dish out to everyone who asks the simple question of how I am, how I've been. 

Earlier this week, I read a quote that was simple, and perfect for how I've been feeling. 

"Don't complain, create!" - Michealene Cristini Risley

The best part of this quote, other than the fact that it totally commands that you take responsibility for the things you want to change (awesome), is who said it. A quick Google search revealed that Michealene Risley is a real life superhero and someone that I really look up to.

Michealene Cristini is an award winning writer, director and human rights activist. Her first film, Flaschards (a short film on child sexual abuse), won numerous awards, screened in the Shorts du Jour program at The Cannes Film Festival and was picked up by American Public Television for PBS stations. Her new documentary, Tapestries of Hope (follows social activist Betty Makoni in her efforts to help sexually abused young women in Zimbabwe through her foundation the Girl Child Network) has also won numerous awards and launched in 107 theatres on Sept 28th for one night only. The film is also being used as a tool for grassroots efforts with over 45 groups to push Congress to sign and FUND I-VAWA (International Violence Against Women Act) one of those key partners is FACEBOOK who actually helped her to get out of prison in Zimbabwe. 

A member of both the Writers Guild and The Directors Guild, Michealene also co-authored the best-selling book, "This is Not the Life I Ordered", selling over 50,000 copies. Miss Risley also blogs frequently for the Huffington Post on issues of Women and Children, Human Rights and Africa. She was recently honored as One of Silicon Valley's most influential Women.

RIGHT?! This woman is incredible. Talk about CREATE. Michealene is a human rights ACTivist who has fought hard to educate and shift the conversation, expose injustices, and facilitate huge strides towards change. She has risked her life to expose the unjust treatment of women. She was imprisoned and deported to South Africa by the Zimbabwean government for the footage she shot for Tapestries of Hope. But this didn't douse her spirits or her intentions. As soon as she returned safely to the U.S., she hopped into action and became a large part of the push for the passing of the International Violence Against Women Act. THIS woman does not complain. She creates new possibilities and new efforts to enact change. And, coincidentally enough, much of her efforts are to support the empowerment and proper treatment of women and children, which is extremely close to my own heart. 

Reading about Michealene and being reminded of so many powerful women who have paved the way for change was a big wake up call to me: no one has ever accomplished anything great by complaining about the things they want or pointing out the obvious obstacles to achieving them. Then, the message hit home again last night when I explored the topics of "desire" and "risk taking" in a women's group. Everyone shared something that they desired, something that they desperately wanted to create in their lives, and then naturally shared the reasons why that can't happen or how they are being tripped up. As the listener, it's so easy to hop in and offer an encouraging nudge and remind them of the power they have and the possibilities that await for them in the wings. It's easy to put a positive spin on "risk" and talk romantically about how the body craves change and loves to be jolted awake by healthy, follow-your-heart risks. 

But then, when I reflect on myself and my desires, and it's my turn to put on what the women are offering me, it's not so easy. The doubt seeps in and I retreat back to the place of security, the place I know and can comfortably operate in. And then, like clockwork, seeps in my resentment/complaints/'stuckness' and desire to RUN (not walk) away from that place entirely. But I don't. I just complain. It's a vicious circle... the inherent habit of craving change, but staying in the 'safe' place to avoid conflict, harm, or surprise. It's like cavemen survival instincts that are etched into our being, but no longer applicable. In fact, often times, it's actually it's detrimental to our happiness and wellbeing to not take those risks. Every time we avoid risk, by default, we are also forfeiting all of the magic that could unleash if we trusted our gut and took those jumps. Will we always land on our feet? Will it always be greener on the other side? Absolutely not. In fact, it may be terrible! But guess what? We can try again, and again, and again, until it's not terrible... until it's wonderful and everything we imagined. We can manifest that and draw it into reality if we keep taking small leaps to get there. But we sure as hell won't get there by standing still, remaining in the state of desire without action. 

All that being said, I would like to drink the "risk kool-aid" and take the first step towards change -- changing the conversation I have with myself about what is possible. I have written up a personal narrative that clearly communicates what I desire to do professionally and how I would like to spend most of my time and energy. I am posting it here to make it more real, and less of a fantasy or unattainable desire. I am also posting it here to hold myself accountable. So instead of asking me how I am, you can ask me how I am taking strides towards making this intention a reality.

Setting Intention: My Commitment

It is my deepest passion to make an impact on others, with love and encouragement as my tools. I want to enact social good, breathe life into others’ dreams, and to lift people up to experience their true potential. What a warm, embracing world we would live in if everyone was in touch with their own inner magic. I think that the most crucial time to experience this tingling realization of ‘potential,’ our inherent power and endless possibilities, is as a child. The young mind is fresh, expanding, and welcoming. It is also very vulnerable and susceptible to the impact of outside factors - love and encouragement, unkindness and judgement. Therefore, it is essential that the young mind be well-versed in the greatness of itself, such that it can easily embrace the good and confidently ward off the bad. The young spirit should feel its power and use it to deeply love and cherish itself and others, before it is buried beneath doubt, coercion, and fear.

Why am I so committed to this? I didn't meet my inner magic until after my childhood. I starved for the attention and acceptance of others, never knowing how wonderful I was at my core. It took a lot of hard falls and soul searching to realize that the power I was searching for in my boyfriends, in my grades, in my friends, at the mall, in my parents... was nestled within myself all along. There’s a bit of a learning curve when you learn this later in your life (it’s hard to teach an older dog new tricks). It is a struggle every day to remain tapped into my inherent power. There are days that I deny its existence, feeling like a victim lost in my own life. I make excuses so that I don’t have to be the one accountable for my own life. I give the power to someone or something else, and I marvel at their control. But then there are the days when I feel my inner strength and I exercise it. I don’t feel stuck or dependent on anything or anyone else. Rather, I feel like anything is possible. I feel limitless and radiant with happiness and possibility.

Muscle memory is real. When the body learns what it feels like to BE the creator and the fulfiller of possibilities in its life... it does not forget. The brain reminds the heart, the strongest and most hard working muscle in the body, of that raw power and pure bliss. It remembers what it feels like to be woken out of that slumber and gives you purpose. Connectivity with that inner power induces the release of creativity and vivaciousness from within, and it creates a desire to help unleash those things in others, too.

And that’s where I am. I have lived on both sides - letting things happen to me and feeling (un)lucky, and also making things happen and feeling unstoppable. I now have a desire to help others to release their power. I feel particularly drawn to tween girls, who are young and most susceptible to a society that has positioned them as lesser in many ways. Living powerfully is the most beautiful and freeing way to be a part of (and experience) this universe. To know and own this power at such a young age and have an early start on being the commander of your own life... now that would be world-changing.

Resistance

Whoa. My last post was in Decemeber (5 months ago?!) I have missed this safe space for sharing very much, and I'm going to make a concerted effort to get back into my writing groove. Why? Mostly because when I don't put my feelings/musings into complete sentences and give them the attention they need, they swim round and round in my head until I become so dizzy that I avoid addressing them.  That's actually what I'd like to write about.

In my yoga class a couple of weeks ago, my teacher read a great quote that resonated with me on a deep level. It's been on my mind ever since, but I haven't really taken the time to mull it over fully. So, here 'goes...

"What you resist, persists."

  BAM. RIGHT?! What you are resisting, will continue to persist. What you avoid, what you sideskirt, what you attempt to bury... it will keep knocking at your door. It will not give up. It will continually pester you until you address it - until you look it in the eye and take responsibilty for what it is, or maybe - for what you made it mean.

Something I noticed that I had been resisting for a while is saying "no." I would "yes" and "sure" and "no problem" to no end, short-handing myself and all the while finding myself in a constant state of resentment and frustration. The whiny victim in me asks everything from, "Why am I expected to finish this project so quickly when I have five other things on my plate?" to the ridiculous, "Why do all my friends and family members want to spend so much time with me?!" Feeling strapped for time, feeling rushed, feeling overwhelmed, feeling unheard. All of these sentiments are things that I must own, and refrain from putting on ANYone else. Why? Because all of these feelings are as a result of not saying "no" when I really should have. They exist because I haven't put my foot down and been authentic about what I can commit to. Whether it's making a deadline or making a birthday party, I am 100% responsible for communicating to others what I am cable of - what I want to do - what I will do, and what I don't want and won't do. 

It seems so simple. Say "no" when you can't or when you simply don't want to do something. Feeling like you need some personal time? Say no to that invite. Feeling overwhelmed at work? Push back on the things that need to wait. Don't apologize, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. Easy peezy! 

Not really. Human beings (my mermaid self included) have to struggle to be authentic on a daily basis. It is a living and breathing challenge to be honest and real with others, especially if you've gotten into the nasty habit of using lies (whole lies, white lies, half truths, the whole gamut) to avoid playing the good old fashioned honesty card. Why tell the truth, when you can make up a whole facade that seemingly wipes your plate clean of any real guilt or responsibility?! Yuck.

There have been countless times that I've used a white lie to get out of something because I'm too much of a coward to trust the integrity behind my "no." I make the "no" mean something. It could mean "I'm being rude," "I'm bring selfish," "I'm not X enough," "I am going to disappoint..." The list goes on and on. But really, what does "no" really mean? It means just that. It means "no." Period. You can go on and on about the reasons behind the no - you're tired, you need time alone, you don't have enough time, you don't want to. Doesn't really matter! Because at the end of the day, it doesn't involve anyone else. So don't let it involve anyone else. You're just doing yourself and the others you drag in a big disservice. 

And, something beautiful I've discovered in the past couple weeks of really practicing my "no's" and honesty is that it feels SO much better (ultimately) to be real with others than it does to keep up a running tab of lies and excuses. And, people appreciate the honesty and respect you for it! Maybe it will startle them at first, especially if you're an award winning excuse spewing machine (oops). But I'm finding that it isn't easier to be inauthentic. Even if it's been somehow ingrained into our heads that we should animorph into whatever the person experiencing us wants us to be. Your body, mind, and spirit truly do blossom and warm from the inside out when you are are authentic, including the times when you say "no."

Ask yourself what you've been resisting. What is something important to you that you've been giving up? What have you been pretending? Face that reality! Don't resist it anymore. It will persist and continue to nag at you until you get real and address it. It will weasel its way into the most unexpected places - your office, your home life, your familial relationships, your friendships, your productivity, your motivation... Resistance kills your momentum. So stare that beast square in the eyes, and watch it run away in fear of being discovered. Resistance can only thrive while you continue to live your life like it's not there.

P.s. I know you loved that use of animorph.

Sending love to all of you tonight!

Brand New Me.

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted. But my mind and heart haven't been idle since then. Through EMDR, I've been digging deep into my past to identify road blocks - places where I have made up my mind about something such that I haven't been able to move forward in that area since then. For example, when one of my first boyfriends would obsess over my body and pick on me for eating too much or not going to the gym, I made up my mind that I was only as good as my body looked in the eyes of guys. From that point on, I had huge body esteem issues and never felt good enough. Another example is the fact that my parents make me feel bad when I don't visit them / make plans with them as often as they would like. They lay on the guilt trip and keep a tally of all the times they have initiated plans vs. the times that I have. This cycle has ingrained in my mind that I'm only a good enough daughter when I'm in touch all of the time. 

It's incredible how many times in my life I have built one of these dams. In the moment, I was completely ignorant of the fact that I was enabling a blockage. But months... years later, I am starting to recognize the parts of me that have been stagnant... chambers of my heart that I've closed off. There are certain situations, like new a boyfriend or a new friend that requires a lot of attention, that will trigger that preconditioned response ("I'm not good enough) and it will totally inhibit my ability to be present. I'm not living in the moment when I feel judged by my boyfriend or resent that friend for reaching out all of the time. I'm living in the past and continually experiencing those blockages. All of the present relationships suffer from those dams built in the past. 

Am I good enough? YES. No one gets to tell me that I'm not - not even myself. I know that I have a healthy body. I know that I am a good daughter. I know that I have a voice, an opinion. So why let the past or someone else's experience of me change that?

The good news is that once we see a blockage, we can unclog it and let the love/acceptance/confidence - REALITY - free flow again. 

I've been putting some new perspectives into practices - like setting boundaries with my parents, saying "no" to friends, and catching myself saying mean, negative things to my reflection. It's amazing what this awareness and honesty has done for me. The resentment starts to melt away like magic! If you are honest about how much time you want to spend with someone, what you will/won't accept, how you want to be spoken to -- you don't leave room for people to unknowingly walk all over your boundaries. People aren't mind readers. You can't assume that everyone has the same understanding about what boundaries are between friends, family, coworkers, whoever. You have to lay down the line for yourself, and respect the line that others draw too. Resentment only means that you haven't be honest with what you will and won't accept. Are you always going to agree with friends and family about what the boundaries are? No, of course not. But making each other aware of them is guaranteed to make the relationships healthier and happier for both sides.

When you enlist such a powerful change in your life - like speaking up when you previously would have been passive - there are probably going to be instances of other people not liking those changes, or even judging you and challenging your new perspective. Someone who used to walk all over you might be ticked off that you now say, "I don't like it when  you talk to me that way" or "It makes me not want to be around you when you act like that." They will be taken aback and may even lash out at you. Don't be alarmed or upset by this. Continue to be your authentic self - and always, always be honest. Don't tell a white lie to avoid saying what you really mean. Don't suppress your voice for fear of opposition. At the end of the day, when you're laying in your bed at night, it always feels better to have been an honest, openly communicative person.

As I have started to unclog some of my blockages and learning how it feels to experience life with those new streams, one song has particularly resonated with me: Alicia Key's Brand New Me. I have pasted the lyrics below so that you can read along as you listen, if you'd like. It's a very powerful song that reminds us to always be comfortable in our skin - even if that skin is newly exfoliated! There are people who will judge and be wary of your transformation - but DO NOT give them the power to bring you down. It's a choice, not a reality. You alone have the power - now hold on it and wear it proudly. You don't need anyone else's validation.

It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me

It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been on to you too long

If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth a while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah

I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your "ok"
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah

Heartbreak.

"...It's in heartbreak, and only in heartbreak, that we discover not just the grace and power of love, but that our own limitless capacity for it finally, suddenly unfurls."

This is one of many quotes I would like to share with you from a blog post by Umair Haque called "How to Let Your Purpose Find You."

How counter-intuitive, to think that we must feel heartbreak and force ourselves into that place, to really feel the power of love. But, it's true. You learn about the amazing, intense, engulfing sensation of love through learning about what it feels like to lose it and to be challenged by it. 

"Most of us don't just hide our heartbreak — worse, we hide from heartbreak. And so we end up something like mute and mapless orphans in the human world; unable to speak the language of mattering; our vocabulary of life itself forever stunted."

Because we often don't instinctively lean into discomfort, and instead hide away from it, we do whatever it takes to avoid feeling heartbreak. We build up walls, we hide away our feelings, and we fight against vulnerability completely. We don't tell that special person we love them, for fear of ever experiencing what it would feel like to fall out of love, or not be loved back. We don't live in love, because we are afraid to live with the feeling of love lost. Our growth and our happiness is stunted when we live like that.

"Love is the process of being transformed by transformation; of a kind of reciprocity in transformation; where the subject makes the object wholer, fuller, truer, and so too, in the discovery of the fuller, truer, wholer self, the object makes the subject. It is for this reason that, when we are electrified by love, the world around us seems bigger, brighter, better — because, in truth, it is."

Love turns our idea of happiness and purpose on its head. Love flips the world upside down and shines a pink hue on everything around us. Things that used to bother us don't seem to matter. Priorities change, and challenges seem easier to push through. Love is power! It lifts us up and inspires us to lift others, too. A world lived in love IS different, because our experience of the world changes. 

People search the Earth high and low for their life's purpose. The scrub every surface and dig into many outlets trying to find that fulfillment, that thing that really speak to them and sets their world on fire. 

"Finding your purpose is not a phase of life — but a way of living."

Falling in love with your purpose is what living is all about. It's not a destination, but a constant journey. I sometimes get stuck on the idea that I'm searching for my purpose, such that I lose sight of what the Universe is offering me and communicating to me RIGHT now. I've come to the conclusion that we ALL have the same purpose. It comes in many shapes in sizes, but it all goes back to one thing: LOVE. Love is purpose. Your purpose may be to start a non-profit that's dedicated to helping impoverished children in Africa get access to clean water. Why? Because you love people and you care about their well-being. This is the same reason someone's purpose may be to become a math teacher. Or a scientist. Or a lawyer. When your purpose is grown from love, and it's root is love for your fellow man and for this planet we live on, that's when true fulfillment is ever-present in our lives.

"But those of us privileged by purpose? We know a secret: that growth sometimes feels like suffering."

Don't misunderstand. Love IS incredible and freeing. But, living a life in love is not free from suffering. In fact, the more you open up your heart to love, the more you are vulnerable to getting hurt too. You may get your heart broken (maybe even by yourself). You may break someone else's heart. But it's okay. It's inevitable that when a bunch of loving, vulnerable people come together, someone will get hurt. But do you wait in the shadows with your anti-love armor, anticipating a war of heartbreak? No! What a dark, miserable place. Let's not live that way. Let's dive into the pool of fireworks that love creates and enjoy every bright, glittering moment, even if we know that we could get burned and that the lights could eventually die out.  


I know what true love feels like. I also know what real, raw heartbreak feels like. And as terrible as it feels to drag through the days, weeks, months, with a broken heart... I would never give up those tough times. Because I know that living without heartbreak would mean that I'd be living without having loved, too.


Check this out: 
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151079446802066

The Neighbourhood, "Sweater Weather"

Reactions.

This quote is so very true. It's not life's difficulties or the misfortunes we encounter that determine our peace and happiness -- it's how we view them and how we respond that truly determines our development. The adverse situation or the difficult person we are dealing with are NOT what need to change -- instead, it's our perspective that WE must change. It's easy to think about all of the things we wish that people didn't do, or fantasize about the way we wish a relationship with someone (coworker, family member, etc.) could be. But people rarely change. And who are YOU that they would change for you? Instead of trying to change people, change your view of them. Look at them through loving, accepting eyes and get rid of that nasty judgement. The same goes for adverse situations that pop up. If you can't change the situation, then learn how to be comfortable in it. Our perspective and our reactions are something that we always have 100% control of. Never forget that! Be accountable.

"Your validation is just not that important to me"

Giving Fearlessly.

I've been slipping back into a bad habit lately, and today I want to draw attention to it, shine a light on it, to weaken that tendency. I think a lot of you can relate, so I want to share it with you.

I have a habit of holding back emotions/thoughts/expressions for fear of how they are received. Oldest fear in the books, right? Well, maybe not exactly. But it's common... too common. What is it that keeps us so pent up with expectations and fear of vulnerability? Why do set ourselves up for disappointment? Why is it SO hard for us to give without focusing on how it will be reciprocated?

Lately I have been stingy with my love. I have been hesitant to give it and to express it fully because my ego whispers little black wisps of "what if" in my ear. "What if he doesn't love you back?" "What if she is still holding a grudge?" "What if he will fall out of love?" "What if she speaks a different love language?" Today, I'd like to tell my ego to STFU! Really! No more defense mechanisms. I would rather love myself dry than be a pent-up expressionless void! Wouldn't you?

Give compliments. Give hugs. Share feelings. Share your heart. Tell people you love them. Do all of it, often, without thinking about how the recipient will respond. Flex those love muscles whenever you can so that the heart can learn what it really means to be open - open to giving and also receiving when those magical moments do happen.

Yes, it's good to avoid thinking about what you will be receiving and really just giving altruistically... but just consider the Law of Attraction as a bit of motivation. Do you want your life to be full of love? The more love you exude and the more you set your sights on giving love, the greater chance you have of also being showered in love. 

Limitless undying love, 

which shines around me like a million suns,

It calls me on and on across the universe